I've been thinking, a lot. Alas it is a side effect of the dreaded blot on the landscape of summer which apparently goes by the name 'exams'
I've been thinking a lot about my church life, in particular the fact that I don't really seem to fit in anywhere. This great feeling of dread engulfs me at the end of services on Sunday when tea and coffee is announced. Now I love tea, and I'm sure anyone with the faintest knowledge of me is perfectly aware of this fact, and I crave fellowship, so it might sound like an excellent idea. However, in practice it is always incredibly awkward - I talk to people and they talk to me, but it always has a tangible feeling of obligation about it. I think I'm very slowly beginning to address it, and I do feel a bit more accepted. For example, when Chris told me that he had proposed to Naomi, despite not telling quite a few folk who I would have thought he would have, first. That made me feel appreciated, and it was good. Also, the McAffrey girls who bombard me with hugs when I walk in the door and generally make me feel loved. But apart from this, I feel strangely isolated from the rest of the corps, and the youth in Edinburgh. The corps is to be expected I suppose, with most of them being middle aged/elderly, but it doesn't make it easier. As for the youth, it is strange. At youth councils, I began to connect with Chris/Fifi/the McAffrey's but the others who I would generally be expected to know better, I felt really uncomfortable around, like I couldn't be myself. I'm being really silly, because I've been invited to a BBQ thingy-majiggy by Kevin etc, but it's there. I think I'm missing out on any sort of theological relationship like I've seen say, Sam and Kelston, or Laura and Leanne have. I'm not jealous or anything, it just feels a bit like I'm somewhat less valued. Little things like not being sent a driven programme, or not being invited to VF get to me. I like to make on that they don't but they undoubtedly do.
It's my confidence really, it still hasn't really recovered from the move away from where I felt 'safe' to here. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore Edinburgh and I wouldn't want to go anywhere else, but my confidence issues have given me a bit of a barrier that I suppose I'm only just starting to overcome now. It isn't just church, but uni too. It took me a year to even go into rainy hall, because I didn't want to impose myself on anyone, and even now it is extremely difficult for me to do. I have friends here, and I am grateful for that, but it just isn't the depth of friendship I had at home. I took a step towards rectifying that by (shock horror) texting two of my friends for a coffee meet-up, which we are planning to make more regular, but I still need to do a lot of work. I need to stop coming across as moody and humourless, and sort it out! Hopefully, our wee RS gathering (a replica of last semester's divinity gathering) should provide an opportunity to come across well. I didn't force anyone to invite me, they did it of their own accord so that shouldn't stop me.
